Social—and Seeking Love
 by Richard Bayer, Ph.D.

One can live magnificently in this world,if one knows how to work and how to love, to work for the person one loves and to love one's work.
-Tolstoy’s advice to his almost-fiancée, Valery Arsenev

The insightful quote from Tolstoy reminds us of the importance of two things necessary “to live magnificently:” work and love. Five O’Clock Clubbers already have the best method in the world for finding work that they do well and enjoy doing. Therefore, in this issue I’ll tackle the question of love, an appropriate topic in the month of St. Valentine. Last month we drew insights from Buddhism, the reader will recall, but now I will tap Christian tradition. 

The briefest definition one might give for love in the Christian sense is this:

Love pertains to our
social nature
and
means “to intend the good of the other.”

Our Social Nature
 These ideas are more radical than they may seem at first blush. Let’s begin with the basic teachings about our social nature:  From the beginning “male and female God created them” (Genesis 1:27). But this is just the beginning since persons naturally form other communities with their extended families, in their neighborhoods, work, professional associations, and various other civic, religious, and political associations. So, by their innermost nature, persons are social beings, and unless we relate ourselves to others we can neither live nor develop to our potential.

Intending the good of the other
 So Christianity teaches that we are social by nature and we are exhorted to love one another. But just what does it mean to love another? The Scriptures provide examples of God’s love for Her/His people:

Again and again in the Hebrew Scriptures, God is described as caring for people. God saves Israel from its enemies and through his loyal people feeds the hungry, shelters the homeless, and favors the outcasts, widows, and orphans.

 For Christians, Jesus represents a dramatic continuation of “intending the good of others.” God so loved the world that he gave his only son, Jesus, to the world. Jesus fed the hungry, and befriended the outcasts, the criminal, the poor, and the homeless. Jesus sacrificed himself for the good of others—even though he knew in the end he would be betrayed by someone close to him.

So love concerns our social nature and means to intend the good of the other person. These are radical ideas today!

Love Undermined Today
 It turns out that, in the modern world, this concept of love actually faces an uphill battle. First of all, the idea that human persons are social by nature no

The conception of love as to
intend the good of the other is quite
a radical departure from the
contemporary popular
understanding of love.

longer goes without saying. To cite but one trivial example, membership in bowling leagues is down, while participation in bowling is up. The unrelenting momentum of “American Individualism” continues to erode our sense as beings oriented toward others. The (false) view is that each person can find fulfillment alone and narcissistically apart from others. This common view is irreconcilable with basic Christian ideas, and I think a source of great loneliness and a lack of fulfillment.

Second, the conception of love as to intend the good of the other is quite a radical departure from the contemporary popular understanding of love. We are all familiar with the various sorts of false ideas, some silly and infantile. There is the idea that love is a “feeling” (hence the high divorce rate because the feeling passes!). That love is conditional on what one gets in return. Or the absurdity that love equals good sex! These misunderstandings, of course, result in a lack of fulfillment and therefore generate much misery.

Even the concept that we are social by nature can no longer be taken for granted. For example, bowling is up while participation
in bowling leagues is down!

Christians who adhere to authentic understandings are quite radical in today’s culture. The cultural momentum, which teaches us to see all things and even persons purely as instruments of one’s own happiness, has become almost overwhelming.  One marries, has children, and participates in groups, aiming only to find happiness for oneself instead of intending the good of the other. 

This is nothing new, of course. Aristotle recognized the (mis)understanding of love and friendship so common today.  Aristotle spoke of relationships based on utility (the other is somehow useful to us) and relationships based on pleasure (the other is simply pleasurable to be with for whatever reason).  These are inherently fragile relationships.

People who take seriously the idea that love is to intend the good of the other are actually a prize in today’s culture.  

Aristotle spoke of fragile
relationships based on utility
(the other is somehow useful to us) or on pleasure (the other is
pleasurable to be with).

Saint Valentine Intended the Good of the Other
 The story of St. Valentine, a priest and martyr, is clouded by legend.  According to one tradition, he defied the order of Emperor Claudius II banning engagement and marriage in Rome. Claudius II had difficulty recruiting for his armies. He reasoned that he might replenish the military if men had no attachments or young families. Valentine, believing the decree was unjust—and intending the good of others—continued  to perform marriages in secret for young lovers, and was put to death when the emperor found out, suffering martyrdom on February 14th about the year 270.

Although we’re not matchmakers, it is part of our corporate mission to intend the good of others. We wish you a Happy Valentine in the best senses of the term.

Thus St. Valentine is a good role model for self-sacrificial love. He is also a champion for romantic love, no matter how much the modern holiday has been sentimentalized and debased by a superficial understanding of love.

And we at the Five O’Clock Club can wish you a Happy Valentine in the best senses of the term. So if Tolstoy is correct about the need for love, then romantic love may well be a part of your Forty-Year Vision®. The basic data of the Christian tradition presented here may be helpful to you as you pursue your own romantic goals. Although we’re not matchmakers, it is part of our corporate mission to intend the good of others, and our Valentine to you is actually printed on the inside front cover of every issue of this magazine:

The Garden of life is abundant,  prosperous and  magical. 
In this garden, there is enough for everyone.  Share the fruit and the knowledge.  Our brothers and we are in this lush, exciting place together.  Let’s show others the way.  Kindness. Generosity. Hard work. God’s care.

Dr. Bayer is the Chief Operating Officer of The Five O’Clock Club.